3 Things Your Child Needs at Mealtimes

For the past two decades it’s been my mission to support parents to help their children eat well. However all too often the focus is on what children eat, rather than how they eat. When we become over-concerned about nutrition and the ‘what’, it’s easy to lose sight of the all important relationship with food that children are developing, not just now but for the longer-term too.

Child feeding expert Ellyn Satter, who founded the well-known child feeding strategy The Division of Responsibility, said:

“When the joy goes out of mealtimes, nutrition suffers.”

From my years of experience working with families I can say first-hand how very true this is. Family mealtime dynamics should be optimized so that eating is a positive experience for children, before they will be able to enjoy eating well. Mealtimes should be occasions for children, and parents too, to look forward to and to be together, without pressure or stress. But this can be easier said than done.

Maybe you find mealtimes stressful, or a chore. Perhaps you find yourself dreading dinner time. If so please know you’re not alone. Certainly it can be very worrying when you feel your child does not eat well. Everywhere you turn there are messages about nutrition and what kids should or shouldn't be eating - from the news, health professionals, other parents or family members, and of course social media. This puts huge pressure on you and can create so much (unnecessary)  worry and stress. The result is pressurised mealtimes where you do whatever you can to get your child to eat more, or less, of certain foods. 

The Division of Responsibility suggests that there are parent/carer and child roles in feeding: the adult should be in charge of what food is offered, when and where it is offered, while the child is responsible for how much they eat (of the food that is provided) and whether in fact they eat it at all. It’s really a case of trying to stay in your lane!

One thing we do know from the child feeding research is that pressure to eat causes children to do the very opposite. For the picky eater, trying to get them to eat more can create anxiety which reduces appetite. In response, the child pushes back and ends up eating less. And so, the cycle continues. It's not easy to break this cycle, but having awareness of what’s going on is the first step.

This may be surprising to hear from a nutritionist, but I usually recommend that parents put nutrition to one side while working on improving their mealtime dynamics. Besides, there is a lot more goodness than one might think in foods typically enjoyed by children such as bread and pasta! Additionally, a suitable children’s vitamin supplement may be useful to provide extra nutritional reassurance.

Every child and family are different and bring to the table different attitudes, histories and personalities, so there is no one size fits all approach. If only it was that easy! However, there are a few key principles you can adopt to improve mealtime dynamics and provide the most supportive eating environment.

I’ve created the A-C-T Framework to help make these principles easier to remember:

 

A is for Autonomy > Allow children more freedom over how much they want to eat – respect their appetites, encourage self-regulation and let them be in charge of quantities. Provide self-serving opportunities wherever possible.

C is for Connection > Use mealtimes as an opportunity to connect with your child – be present, sit and talk with them and, hard as it may be, try to keep the focus off how much they are or aren’t eating.

T is for Trust > Build trust at the table – children know their bodies best, so let your child know you trust them to eat as much (or as little) as they need.

 

You don’t need me to tell you that every day with children is a little different. This goes for mealtimes too. Moods, appetites, tiredness, illness… the list of factors that impact how well your child might eat from one day to the next is endless. 

As well as reflecting on the A-C-T Framework and how it might be relevant to you and your family, please be self-compassionate too. Feeding kids can be hard. You can only do your best and remember, there’s no such thing as a perfect mealtime.